Sex. Helpful hints for the newly kinky. 09.23.13

Now that the opening reception is in the rearview mirror, and I can refocus some of my energies away from art and towards the more venal for a few days, its now time to write about the most neglected category on this blog – Sex.  My creative process where art is concerned, is most definitely sexual. When I’m painting in my studio (The Nudio), I am naked. The creation of art, especially male figurative art, is an erotic and sensual process. There is usually porn playing on one of the studio monitors. On the other I sometimes have pictures up from previous photo-shoots. Some of them are for light references and skin color.

Mostly, they are naked men on screen. I’m looking to lift the erotic charge in the room.

Wine, a nice Malbec from Argentina or Chile, is usually my drink of choice when I am painting (and occasionally fondling my dick.)

All of this is about creating some atmosphere. This leads to my first tip:

There are men out there who can, and would be horny in a garbage dump, given the right conditions and frame of mind. I am of the opinion that where I have sex is about as important as who I’m having sex with.  At the very least, if you know I am coming over, change the sheets. Any man, straight, gay or bi, or whatever is in between, really needs to invest in two full sets of good sheets. This way, you have a set on the bed, and a set in the laundry. There was a recent study in the UK of young men who washed the sheets every three or four months. Now I like the smell of a naturally ripe man as much as the next slightly pervy guy out there, but if the bed smells stronger than the man in it, its likely time for me to put my clothes on, take myself home, and finish myself off.

I, for one, find it erotic that someone has had the forethought to change the sheets.

Second, if there’s laundry on the floor, put it in a hamper. If you don’t have one, remember that second set of sheets you bought? There should be two pillowcases in there. They double as laundry bags and can be stowed in the closet until you get a chance to do the laundry. Sometimes sex spills out of the bed. There are lots of positions that get a lot more fun if one of the partners involved has their feet firmly planted on the floor. That’s easier to achieve if you aren’t standing in jeans that piled as they fell, old underwear, and whatever else is on the floor.

Third, when you leave a room, if you’ve entered the room with a cup, plate, bowl, or other kitchen utensils, you should leave that room with the same utensils once you’ve finished your food.  Eating in the bedroom can be very romantic indeed. Especially licking soft foods off of various parts of the body. Or drinking wine out of the cleft of a deep back, or belly button (make sure its white wine so you don’t stain the sheets). After the fun is over, take those dishes back to the kitchen. Do not hide them under the bed. That position mentioned earlier with one person’s feet firmly planted on the floor can be distracting if you step on an errant fork.

Next, lubricants are awesome. Be aware that there are several kinds available and they aren’t all made by Johnson & Johnson. If you don’t have a good erotic store in your town, lots of these lubricants can be ordered online. Different lubes are good for different things. Silicone-based lubes are great for long-term play, usually amongst committed partners, as silicone lube does not play well with condoms. It can cause them to break, and mess up the rhythm, then you have to stop and go find another one, and the whole time, your partner is wondering if/when they should go get a test, so they aren’t going to be fully present when you are doing your best to make them shoot porn-style orgasms all over. There’s also the problem of potential ruined sheets. Common wisdom says that silicone lube does not come out of the sheets and they are ruined, so they become your second-tier fuck sheets rather than the everyday ones.  To those people I say, after you’ve finished having sex, and cuddling, but before you throw the sheets in the wash, go into your kitchen and find the dishwashing liquid. I prefer Dawn. Pretreat the stains and throw the sheets in the laundry basket. The stains will come out in a single wash. Don’t forget to pretreat though. Once Silicone goes through a wash and dry cycle and it hasn’t been treated, its staying in those sheets and won’t come out.

Water based lubes work great with condoms and toys, but they dry out often and require re-application. There are some that are better than others and some that can be discreetly reactivated with that glass of water by the bed, or spit.  Using spit to reactivate the lube is a quick fix for some, very erotic for others, and completely disgusting for everyone else. Spit, as with humor, is best only used when you truly know your audience. Some guys like spit and enjoy getting a bit piggy. Others will think you are foul, put on their clothes, go home, and finish themselves off. If you aren’t comfortable enough to talk about this subject, its probably better you save the experimental for a time when you know him better.

Masturbation creams and gels are fun, but they are for masturbation only. The reason they say “Masturbation” on them is because a lot of them contain glycerine or some other agent that will not be pleasant in any orifice. Think of the feeling you get when you have shampoo in your eye. Now imagine that feeling in your ass. Not pleasant. Make sure you read those labels. If it comes in a tube and has a creamy consistency, do not use that lube to fuck unless it says its made for fucking on the label.

Cock rings and other restraining devices – before exploring this realm, you really should know the true measurement (length and girth) of your dick. Easiest way to measure is go into the kitchen and find some of that cook’s twine that you used to truss up the Thanksgiving turkey last year. Get a sharpie or other marker pen. Wrap the string around the widest portion of your dick, but not so tightly that you even put the slightest dent in your shaft. draw a line on both pieces of thread. Be careful not to draw on your dick. People will think you are very silly if you have a little minus sign drawn on your dick, so avoid doing that, OK? Now lay the string out flat and measure the distance between the two points. That’s your circumference. You should find another piece of string and wrap that under your balls and over the top of your dick and mark it. That measurement would be the internal gauge of a cock-ring. Generally accepted measure of length is from the base of your dick (the top part you can see when looking down) all the way to the slit at the top of your dick.  Measuring from the underside will give you a larger number, but will likely cause size queens and specifists to put on their clothes, go home, and finish themselves off.

Cock rings also come in many shapes, sizes and can be used for different purposes. The standard cock-ring is metal, but they also make them from silicone, leather, rubber, and if you don’t know if you’d like the sensation, some of that leftover twine from when you trussed the thanksgiving turkey last year. 🙂  You can order the size you need online or at a reputable dealer by quoting the second measurement I gave. Thick cock-rings are generally for men with lower hanging balls. Thinner rings are for men with tighter balls. There are devices available for stretching a man’s balls if he is unhappy with how low they hang, but unless you are a person who enjoys the feeling of being kicked in the nuts, its probably a good idea to try to be happy with the idea that your balls will hang lower as you get older, and one day they’ll hang too low for you, so its best to leave them be.

I’ll be meandering down this path into more sordid details but I think this is enough for tonight. If anyone any anything to add to the topics mentioned so far, please comment on the blog. I’m usually up for suggestions, and I’m pretty sure there’s a whole bunch of you out there who know a lot more about this than I do, but since I’ve been experimenting with pleasure for about 27 years now, I think I can help maybe a few people.

About gojohnego

Avid foodie and kitchen tinkerer, artist, news junky and political wonk, musician, blogger, naturist, dog-daddy, and owner of a kinky play-space. ...and did I mention I'm single ;)
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